omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Randomize
