She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
