Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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