people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
