hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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