I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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