I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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