From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
