I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
