My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
