All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
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I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
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I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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