He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
