I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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