Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
