i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize