i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
