2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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