I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
