I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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