I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
