the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
