i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
