I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Randomize
