They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
