She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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