when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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