I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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