remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
