I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
