actually, I'm a sock model
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
