I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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