Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
