Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
