Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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