And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I need moral support for this bender
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
