We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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