I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
