My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Dating After Heartbreak
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good