Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.