Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
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You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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