What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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