There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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