I accidentally burped into my bong.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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