I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
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