the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
