I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
