I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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