So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
