Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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