the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
