i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
