After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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