Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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