my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
