Just cropdusted the office
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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