Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Randomize
