I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
