You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
