I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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