Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
